I love skiing. It’s my favorite thing ever.
I love waking up when it’s still dark outside to make sure that I have ample time to get to the mountain. It’s so much fun spending hours gathering the ninety-seven things I’ll need for the day and then layering all of them on my body. Just putting on my ski pants can take fifteen minutes and is sure to get my heart pumping before I’ve even hit the slopes. On a regular day, I have to make excuses for why it took me two hours to get ready, but with skiing, I don’t have to!
I love draining my bank account to buy a lift ticket and rent gear. I lost almost all my money last year paying for ski trips, but guess what I didn’t lose? Followers. My content was Kylie Jenner-level (who, hot tip, you might run into in Aspen—the only place in the U.S. to ski, as far as I’m concerned). On the topic of gear, I love the way that ski boots dig into my shins. It’s, like, for the cost of the boots, I’m basically paying for a deep-tissue shin massage—a total steal.
I also like to give my shoulder blades a nice massage with my skis when I carry them through the village on my way to the gondola. I’ve noticed other people doing this with their skis, too, and sometimes they’ll make a sharp turn and smack me in the face. But it’s O.K.—that’s what the helmets are for, duh.
Once I’m on the top of the mountain, I finally get to ski. I love when I’m flying down the slope and I have to dodge other people who I can’t even really see when it’s gray and snowing, to avoid crashing into them and falling. On the topic of injuries, look, yes, skiing is super dangerous—but what are you gonna do, not ski because you might dislocate your shoulder, or bruise your rib, or get a concussion? What are you, a baby? Probably not, because babies are actually the best at skiing. No one is less scared on the mountain than babies. So suck it up.
When I get to the bottom of the hill (yay, me!), I’m so excited to ride the lift back up. I love the way the icy wind hits my face, chapping my lips, numbing my cheeks, and hardening my dripping snot. I even love when I accidentally drop my glove off the lift, and then have to try to find it when I ski down—it’s like a D.I.Y. scavenger hunt. Sometimes I don’t find it, but that’s O.K.—who doesn’t want an excuse to buy new two-hundred-dollar gloves? I also love being at such high altitude. Like, yeah, I have asthma, and, yeah, that makes it harder to breathe, but I can also get drunk off one sip of tequila, so.
Where am I getting this alcohol? The lodge, of course! Whenever I get too cold, I love to head inside and enjoy some twenty-dollar chicken fingers, along with a ten-dollar hot tea—with a splash of whiskey for an extra nineteen dollars—to warm me right up. You’d think you shouldn’t drink and ski, the same way that you shouldn’t drink and drive, but, honestly, I do both, and it’s totally fine. Usually.
After I’ve spent some time in the lodge getting warm and sweating through the four layers I have on, I love going back outside and feeling even colder than I did before because of the aforementioned sweat. Nothing beats being chilled to the literal bone.
Once I’m all finished skiing, I always end my day at the outdoor hot tub. The best part isn’t being in the tub, it’s when I have to get out of the tub, sopping wet, in the sub-zero temperatures, and my entire body goes numb. It’s such a fun feeling.
For those of you who are new to skiing, let me answer a few questions. Will you fall so many times that you can’t sit down the next day? Maybe. Will you be hospitalized for a torn A.C.L.? Probably. Will your fingers and toes become so frozen that they sting, even though you stuffed hand warmers into your mittens? Always. But does any of this mean that you shouldn’t engage in the best activity there ever was? Obviously not.
I wish I could see you all on the slopes next season, but, unfortunately, I broke all of my bones on my last ski trip. I was filming the sickest TikTok for my fans while skiing down a poorly marked blue run that randomly turned into a double black diamond, and I lost control and flew into a tree. Don’t worry, though, the video went viral, so it was totally worth it.
Have fun out there! ♦